Adopting Older Kids

Break Over

2010-04-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

I've taken a big long break from this blog. Life just seemed to get in the way for awhile. Now, I want to get back to it.

I'm hoping some families with older adopted kids would be willing to answer a short questionaire, with the answers to be posted here. I will post your answers anonymously if you prefer and we can link to your blog or not, as you prefer. If you're interested, email your answers and contact info to adoptingolderkids at gmail.com.

1) What's been the easiest part of adopting an older kid?

2) What's been the hardest part of adopting an older kid?

3) What was the best thing you did to prepare for your older child's arrival?

4) What recommendations do you have for other families considering older child adoption?

5) What are your favorite resources...books, websites, etc...to help families prepare for older child adoption?

Family needed ASAP for China Adoption

2010-01-26T18:13:00.000-08:00

Emergency Adoption Boy Aging Out in May 2010

WACAP is a non-profit adoption agency (www.wacap.org)

Families with a Dossier logged in (or able to before February 1^st) whether or not they have a child assigned to them already may inquire if they are interested in adopting this particular older child please call ASAP email, FamilyFinders@wacap.org, 1-800-732-1887.

MX is an older boy age 13 who shared that, while living at the orphanage, he has seen mostly the younger children being adopted. He also shared that he has had many friends about his same age at the orphanage, but they have all either been adopted or have a family coming for them. He is sad to be left behind. Our staff said ” He is very good looking and seems like a normal teen age boy to me.”He is very motivated to be adopted and traveled from another orphanage as the only older child with all the younger children to come and meet us and discuss any adoption opportunities with us.

While appearing quite shy, he is engaging and had a very disarming smile. When asked about what he likes to do he responded that he loves to play basketball. His favorite player is “Kobe”. He is currently in the appropriate grade for his age in secondary school. His favorite subject is language. He speaks a little English. When asked what he wanted to be when he grows up, he said he wants to be a cartoonist because he loves to draw. He gave us pictures that he had drawn. He likes to watch cartoons on TV. When asked what he would do if money was not an object, he said he would have a house and a car. When asked how he reacts when he’s upset with someone, he wisely told us he doesn’t speak with them until he has calmed down. When asked to describe his ideal family, he said he would like a large family. Clearly a family is what this boy needs – before he turns 14 years old and becomes ineligible for international adoption and it is too late for him, forever. He still remembers what it was like to be part of a family and wants to be part of a family again soon.

There is a $4000 Promise Child grant for eligible families for this adoption and a possible additional fee reduction. Please contact a Family Finders Case Manager for more information. His ID is MX.0596.16737.01.WACAP is a non-profit adoption agency (www.wacap.org). Please email FamilyFinders@wacap.org or 1-800-732-1887.

Family Needed

2009-10-20T20:11:00.000-07:00

This little boy is 8 years old. He was adopted from Haiti 3 years ago. He is now in need of a new family. His current family has tried everything under the sun to help him. Please check their blog to learn more about the situation. Even if you are not the right family for this child, please consider spreading the word about his situation to help find the right family for him.

Educational Resources for PAPs

2009-08-20T07:10:00.001-07:00

How did you educate yourself prior to bringing home your older children?

What books did you read? What were your favorites?

What websites did you visit?

Which educational resources were the most and least helpful in preparing for you older child?

Grief

2009-07-23T13:24:00.001-07:00

How does/did your newly adopted older child express their grief? How has this changed over time in your family? How do you manage (if necessary) the grief episodes?

Sleep

2009-07-16T05:21:00.000-07:00

Did you older child have any sleep issues when they came home? How did you deal with them?

What was the easiest part of your transition?

2009-07-13T10:51:00.000-07:00

What was the easiest part of your transition with your newly adopted older child? Did this surprise you? What do you think made this transition easy (or at least easier than other transition issues)?

What was the hardest part of your transition?

2009-07-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

Please share the hardest part of your transition when your older child came home.

Orphan - the movie

2009-06-23T18:05:00.002-07:00

Just a note about the movie Orphan. If you've seen the previews, please ignore them. They give a very unrealistic view of older kids in need of adoption. While it is true that many older kids have suffered various types of trauma (the mere act of being relinquished is more trauma than any of us should have to bear), the depiction of the child in this movie is totally skewed. It is a fictional horror movie not based on reality!

Older Kids Needing Families Through WACAP

2009-06-15T08:25:00.000-07:00

WACAP, the agency I used to adopt Medina, has asked me to spread the word about some of the older kids they're trying to find families for. Please contact WACAP directly for more information on the kids listed below.

Healthy 10-12 year olds, girls, boys, siblings, some Grants, Asia.

Please contact FamilyFinders@wacap.org to get a password to see the photos of these children. There is no obligation to get a password. WACAP is a non-profit adoption agency. Please ask about the requirements for China if you are not familiar with them.

Healthy Siblings 12 year old brother JH and 10 year old sister JX from Asia. He is 12 and is in sixth grade and says that he likes to go to school to "learn knowledge and make good friends." He has a sister, JX who is 10-years-old and in the fourth grade. When asked to describe his sister, he said, "She is naughty sometimes and tries to be first in line." When asked what he likes about having a sister, he said, "We can take care of each other and I can take care of her."

He likes sports; basketball, running and ping pong. When watching the Olympics, he said he liked to watch ping pong, basketball, target shooting and gymnastics. He plays in the orphanage band and would like to continue to play the trumpet after he has been adopted. He has no memory of his birthparents and says that he would like to have more brothers and sisters. When asked what he would do if he had a dream day away from the orphanage, he said he would like to visit the local Longmen Caves. When asked if he had any questions, he asked if there are tests in the U.S. and, when told there were and asked if they had tests in China, he said, "Yes, there are. I do very well on tests. I am not afraid of tests." He appears to be a very serious boy. He gave WACAP many pictures demonstrating his drawing ability that he wanted WACAP to shared with interested families.
JHD.0696.16053.01 There is a $2000 Promise Child adoption grant for eligible families for this adoption.

JX his sister is in the fourth grade and says that she loves dancing. When asked to describe her brother she said, "He is a nice boy. He treats me well, like a big brother." When watching the Olympics with her brother, she said that she liked watching badminton. When we shared that she looked sad in some of her photos, she said, "I was just thinking. I am an outgoing girl and have many friends." When asked how she handles disagreements, she said she apologizes. When asked about the most difficult adjustment to an adoptive family, she said, "I can't speak English." When asked what WACAP should tell an interested family about them, she said, "We wish that the family has good health and a long life. We wish that we could live with them and be a part of their family."
JXL.0698.16054.01

XL. Healthy 12 year old girl. XL is in the sixth grade and likes to play the violin, read, listen to music, and play badminton. She likes to go to school because she likes to listen to the teachers teaching as well as play with her classmates. During the Olympics she especially liked to watch swimming and ping pong. She has many friends at the orphanage, especially the three or four who share a room with her – they are her very good friends. When she disagrees with her friends she will try to change the subject to reduce the problem.

She has no memory of her birth family. When asked what she thinks might be the most difficult thing about being adopted, she said, "I can't talk to them in the beginning." When asked what kind of family she would like to have, she said any kind. When asked if there was one message she would like to share she said, "I would like to have loving parents. Everyone says I am a happy girl, I hope I can share my happiness with a new family. XL.1296.16052.01

Healthy 12 year old boy. He is in the sixth grade and describes himself as follows: "I am an active outgoing little boy. At school I am one of the `good youth pioneers.' I am a leader among students. I won first place reward for a contest for just using your mind for finding solutions rather than using tools. I have many times been rewarded for good behavior. My paintings and drawings have been exhibited in the school. I play the violin. I hope I can have a loving family." He says he is not sick very often. In his time off, he likes to play ping pong and basketball. During the Olympics, he watched ping pong, badminton, basketball and shooting.

He has been at the orphanage for over three years. He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage. He said the most fun thing that he has done since he has come to the orphanage is go to school. When asked what the worst thing about living at the orphanage was, he said he could not think of anything. He says he has many, many friends and three or four of them are very close friends. When leaving, he said, "I won't forget the time I have shared with you," to the WACAP staff person. When asked about a potential adoptive family, he said, "I hope I can have a loving family. I don't care how big or small they are or what they are like, as long as they love me." There is a $2000 Promise Child Grant for this adoption for eligible families. WCL.0897.16051.01

Healthy 12 year old boy. He is a 12-year-old boy who enjoys playing basketball and ping pong. He also plays in the orphanage band. He Jun appears to be a very shy boy and when asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time. He enjoys reading literature and listening to music. He seems outgoing and has many friends. It appears that he has a good relationship with his teacher.

He appears to be entering puberty and has the beginnings of a mustache. He is reported to be quiet helpful. He explains that he has lived in the orphanage for many years and came as a little boy. He says he very much now wants parents who love him. He has waited a long time for a family and wants a family with or without children. He has chosen "Martin" for his American name. HJL.0596.16050.01

Healthy 11 year old girl. She is an 11-year-old girl in the sixth grade. She has long, lovely hair. She is a very tall girl, particularly in Chinese society. When asked if she likes being tall, she said she likes it. When asked why, she said, "There may be some jobs that only tall people can do, and I do well in basketball. My favorite sports are jogging and basketball." She has no memory of her birth family.

She says that she enjoys school because she can chat with her friends and do reading and homework. When asked what she does with her time off, she said she plays with her roommates, reads, and listens to music. She also likes history and comedy books. She'd like us to know that she was worried about coming to the U.S. if she did not do well in school because of the language barriers, what if her parents lost confidence in her. She was assured that this was not the case. When asked to describe her ideal family she said, "It doesn't matter as long as there is a mom and dad who care about me." GB.0997.16047.01

Healthy 12 year old girl. She is in the sixth grade and likes to play the violin. She likes reading and writing. She likes reading because, she says, "I like to laugh a lot. Laughing makes me happy. I laugh when I watch TV and sometimes I laugh when I read. In my free time, I like to do reading, play badminton, and ping pong."

She describes her herself as a very outgoing girl. When asked about her favorite friends, she said, "All of my friends are my favorites." In the photos we took, she had a great deal of make-up on. When asked if she put it on herself, she said she had not, and that her friends had put it on her for the performance they were giving later that day. When asked what she had gotten in trouble for, she said she has never been in trouble. We asked her how she reacts to being angry she said she turns to her caregivers to help her out.

When asked about her birthparents, she said she does not remember anything. When asked about an adoptive family, she said that she hopes that WACAP can find her a family who is supportive of her hobbies. Her ideal family would be a "happy, cozy family," but that it does not matter if there are already children in the family or not. YHL.0996.16048.01

Please check with us you are not familiar with the China's guidelines.
FamilyFinders@wacap.org

Spread the word

2009-06-06T10:19:00.000-07:00

Please grab the code for the blog button and put it on your blog so we can spread the word about this blog and get more people to contribute and share their experiences.

Also, please continue to share about this blog on your various country groups so we can branch out with posters who've adopted from other countries.

Thanks!

FAQs - Responses from Nancy

2009-06-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

How did you decide what country to adopt from? We have a child from GT and a child from Korea & are open to any country w/a good system in place.

The decision was sort of made for us. We had adopted a baby from Romania and although the thought of doing it again was in the back of our minds, we had no definite plans. The first time we were looking for a country with the possibility of bringing home young children, who did not have a weight restriction since I was overweight, and where there was a possibility of escorting if we wanted that. When we did decide to adopt again, Romania was closed to adoptions. The change in requirements then was a country where older children were available, where long stays in country were not required, and where the care they received was good. I had initially looked into a program in Estonia but many of the children had obvious fetal alcohol syndrome and my husband did not think it was fair to our other daughter (who at the time had no signs of any problems) to bring home a child with known issues. (As it turned out -- the one who came home as a baby has multiple issues and the older child has none) I contacted the agency I had used before and trusted. In the past they only worked in Romania and now with Romania closed they were only working in Guatemala. In my mind Guatemala only had infants and we wanted an older child so I did not think to contact them first off and it was just a "is this even possible" inquiry. I was surprised to receive photos of Elizabeth just a few hours later! Everything became a whirlwind after that!

We're learned a lot about the grieving issues and attachment process involved in adopting older babies/young toddlers. What are the differences when you adopt an older child (i.e. what sort of techniques did you use, etc.)?

Elizabeth came home at age 6. She had been with her biological mother until age 4. At least part of that time was not good and she was physically abused. From what I can tell, at least part of that time was good as well or I think there would have been more issues. At 4 she was placed with an Aunt for just a short period and then the Aunt relinquished her stating she was unable to care for her. She was in an orphanage from age 4 until age 6. Although bullied by the older children, she has fond memories of the orphanage and all the kids called the director mom. I believe the care she received there has helped shape her personality. There really have been very few issues but what we saw as far as grieving and attachment -- once Elizabeth started talking about the abuse she endured I let her talk about it and just assured her that she would never experience that here. She was always open about it and would talk about it with anyone. I did have to remind her to let others know she was talking about her mommy and daddy in Guatemala and not us though so we would not be charged with abuse! We always make new teachers aware of her past and her willingness to talk about it so they don't think the same. It is a fine line between what should be private and what we should tell others but since Elizabeth has chosen to be open about it we have followed her lead and I want her to be able to express herself if it is something that is bothering her.

For whatever program you selected, how much information were you given about your referral? Was it accurate?

I got basic medical information, current measurements, and a current physical exam. I received a social report as to why she was relinquished and some info on her family. The initial information made it sound like she was removed from her biological mother's care for neglect and it was not until pick up that I learned that there was also physical abuse. I doubt that information at referral would have changed our decision though. I trusted the pictures and the reports I received from current exams and the people who saw her in person. The only questions I still have is that at the time she was taken away from her biological mother she was admitted to the hospital. I have very little detail about that hospitalization. I have been told that should I decide to want the rest of the information it should be easy to obtain but it is not something I have not looked into yet.

I realize every child is different, but what are the biggest issues you have faced since bringing your child home?

1 -- food and eating was an issue - although a minor one. Elizabeth was very tiny but would eat like a horse and very fast. For a while I let her eat how and when she wanted to and assuring her that food would always be available. After she understood that, and I was sure she did, I started working on the behavior of eating. Now if she eats too fast (to the point of danger of choking) her plate is taken away. She is given a large portion of food for her age but she can have seconds IF she eats the first portion at a reasonable pace. If she gobbles it down before I notice to take the plate away then it is no seconds. She now eats "normally' most of the time but sometimes has to be reminded to slow down. There was a short lived issue of her taking food from kids at school but once I was made aware of it a consequence at home of missing her night time snack fixed that. We have been lucky in that she responds well, and quickly, to consequences.
2 -- not really an issue, but funny and took the longest to break -- toilet paper goes in the toilet and not the waste basket! It took months and tons of reminders to fix that one! LOL

Language was never an issue. I believe it is true -- love conquers that issue. Of course we worried about it, and there are some funny memories of when we misunderstood what was said, but over all we had no problems with communication. It is amazing how quickly these kids learn the language. If only adults could do the same!

I know there are state Early Intervention services for children 3 and under. What about for older children? Have you had a good experience finding resources to address any developmental delays and/or attachment issues? How has your child's transition to school been handled?

We were lucky in that we really did not have any school issues. But, my other daughter does and I was already involved in "fighting" that system so I tend to get listened to. I did have to push to get ESL services increased but that has really been all that was needed since there have been no attachment issues or developmental delays. Since I do have another child with those issues, I can tell you that a lot depends on your State and your School District. My area has very few resources for attachment issues so for my other daughter I have had to rely on self education and talking with other families who have gone through the same, and it has worked for us. After age 3 most intervention programs are handled through the public school system. You can request testing (which is free) but it is important to know that the testing should be done in the child's native language -- which is easier for some than for others. It is trickier for older children in that they do learn conversational English very quickly but full comprehension takes up to 7 years so it is also hard to judge full potential. Elizabeth is 2 years older than her peers in her current grade level. From what I can tell right now at 4 1/2 years home she is VERY smart and it is very possible she could move up at least one grade and be where she should be based on her birthday. I have chosen not to push for that yet as there is also the possibility that it would frustrate her right now and she would lose ground. Right now she is comfortable with where she is and I have not asked for testing to see if she could be moved. If she starts to show signs of being frustrated with her placement then I will ask for testing and then if indicated for advanced placement (been through that with my biological son). I have made a name for myself in the school district so I have an "easier" time with this than most. It might not be a good name, but they do know I fight for my kids!

FAQs - Responses from Amanda

2009-06-06T06:41:00.000-07:00

How did you decide what country to adopt from?

When my husband and I decided to adopt we both fairly quickly decided we wanted to pursue international adoption and not a domestic adoption. While this is an issue in and of itself for many people, this was our adoption and our choice. Our first instinct was to try to adopt from Mexico as my family is Mexican American. However, at the time there was no regulated program between Mexico and the United States. As security was our first priority at the time, we wanted to go with a program that existed and had some record of positive experiences and actual adoptions taking place.

That said, our second priority was going some place where we could get an infant girl or very young siblings. Our options were limited due to our age (we were 26 at the time). When we decided to call around for information regarding pricing for a home study, we found the agency we initially signed with and they were just starting a program with Ethiopia. We were told we could be a pioneer family which came with it not only a reduction in fees but also an expedited wait. This led us to strongly consider Ethiopia. After much research into not only the adoptions in Ethiopia but also the culture(s) and language(s) of the people-we felt that it was a perfect fit. It’s sad to say but our first thought when we heard “Ethiopia” was of the sad images that were prevalent in the 80s and 90s on TV and in the newspapers. When we started researching it further, we realized that while Ethiopia does suffer from poverty, but the people, culture and land are beautiful.

We're learned a lot about the grieving issues and attachment process involved in adopting older babies/young toddlers. What are the differences when you adopt an older child (i.e. what sort of techniques did you use, etc.)?

I can only offer a perspective of a person who never had children prior to adopting two older children. We don’t know what it’s like to parent an infant, adopted or otherwise. Our biggest issues were all related to resistance of us and denial of the situation from our 7 year old son. He would cling to us physically, but emotionally resisted everything about us for nearly three months. At that point, he became much more aware of his surroundings and he was no longer in the “fog” that we saw him in previously. While he began admitting that this was now his life and his family (which was GOOD!) his behavior started regressing (NOT good!). The behavioral regression lasted about two weeks and we worked through it by removing privilege and making him work for anything he wanted. This worked and his behavior not only returned to what it was before but drastically improved. He’s been that way since.

We had no behavioral issues with our daughter. She is, however, a very scared little girl. When we’re both around she is fine, but when it’s just one of us, she clings to us whenever we leave the room. When we talk to her about whether or not she’s scared we’re going to leave forever, she says she knows we won’t-but, her actions would say otherwise.

We’ve talked to both of the children about their adoption and their birth mother. They each had one complete break-down (sobbing uncontrollably for about 45 minutes) directly related to sadness and loss. For both cases, I just held them like a baby and rocked them while touching their faces and telling them I loved them and it’s ok. They were truly inconsolable for that time, but after about 45 minutes they stopped crying and said “Ok, Mommy....” and then went on. Our son’s happened after we were in the US for two weeks and our daughter’s happened a couple of days later.

Our children have been home for about five months now. I would say we are making huge strides toward secure attachment, but like anything-it takes time. With older children they have more of a history and more of a memory so they are battling many concerns. I know it’s taken our son a long time to realize that regardless of his behavior, we aren’t going anywhere. It has been a huge challenge, but one that is so worth it. Every time I look at our children I feel as if I’m going to just burst open with love for them. Earning their trust is so very rewarding.

For whatever program you selected, how much information were you given about your referral? Was it accurate?

We were given exactly the information we expected: mother’s name, father’s name, health information (blood tests, Hep A/B results, HIV test results), height and weight, photos, and information on siblings. It was not accurate in terms of the siblings. We were told that they had no other siblings aside from each other and that was not true. But, the health information was accurate. In my opinion, that would have been much more damaging if it was not.

I realize every child is different, but what are the biggest issues you have faced since bringing your child home?

As I stated before, we had huge behavioral problems with our son. It peaked with his regressing to infantile behavior. He crawled around on the floor, picking up small toys or hair off the carpet and eating it. He would urinate in the bed at night because he wanted to wear diapers. The first few weeks we had him he threw tantrums daily. The tantrums would last for as little as 45 minutes to as long as 3-4 hours. In the beginning I truly felt as if we made a huge mistake. Once the tantrums ended and the regression began, we were truly exhausted. Thankfully my husband and I took turns “dealing with it” while the other escaped to the bedroom, a movie theatre or in the car for a drive. But, after the regression was over-once he came out of it-he was this incredible little boy. I truly believe he was just pushing us to see how much we would put up with.

In addition, with older children you will sometimes hear “I don’t love you” or “I hate you” or “I want to go back”. It’s incredibly hurtful, but we made it a point to never show them that it hurt us. Once they realized they couldn’t bother us with that, they quit doing it.

Aside from all of the behavioral issues with our son, he also had severe language issues. The first three months he spent in a fog of sorts and he refused to learn English. His sister grew by leaps and bounds in English, so much so that she refused to speak anymore Amharic. Once he came out of his fog (in fact, while he was regressing, his English was improving) he was able to speak in sentences. He still has difficulty with pronouns (he/she) and he speaks in third person much of the time, but he’s doing so well now.

His behavior and language have been appropriate to a normal 7 year old boy for the last two months.

I know there are state Early Intervention services for children 3 and under. What about for older children? Have you had a good experience finding resources to address any developmental delays and/or attachment issues? How has your child's transition to school been handled?

We’ve had limited help in this regard. In fact, our doctors refused to even consider developmental delays until they’ve been home for six months. We have appointments this summer for testing and whatnot. I do not believe they’re behind, but I want to make sure things are going the way they should be developmentally.

As far as attachment issues-this has not concerned us. I wanted to deal with behavior first and see what the root of the problem is before we moved forward. Once the bad behaviors ended, it wasn’t a question of whether or not they were attaching. We knew they were progressing as we would have hoped. Are they securely attached yet?! My opinion is no. But, I think that’s normal at this stage. They’ve only been home for 5 months.

Their transition to school is a tough one. We had them home for over a month and a half before registering them at the local public school. This was not our first choice as we wanted them in a private school but needed their language to improve first. Due to our son’s age (and size) they placed him in 2nd grade. This was after we specifically told them that he belonged in 1st grade due to his ability. They actually wanted him in 3rd but I refused to budge on that issue. Our daughter went into K but was later switched to pre-K not because of her ability but because she’s going to be in K at the private school next year.

Our daughter blossomed in the school environment. She made friends, learned more English, began reading and writing on her own and has had a blast. Our son hates school. He cannot do basic math and they’re already doing multiplication. He cannot read or spell and they’re already having reading group activities. In addition, the girls in the class want to help him and the boys dislike him because of the attention he’s receiving. We’ve asked the school for help and they won’t listen to us. His teacher literally gave up on him, she’s thrown her hands in the air and said “he doesn’t speak English that well-what am I supposed to do?”. The ESL people here put him on a computer for hours a day and when we asked for progress reports they’ve given us information that shows his logged hours but not whether or not he’s progressing in his language. We feel as if they’re just babysitting him during the day. I’m truly frustrated by the public school system here.

Next year our son and daughter will be in a private school. Our daughter will be in K and our son in 1st. They interviewed them for these classes based on our assessment of our children and they said that they would both do well in the grades I selected. Thankfully they took my word as their mother and didn’t just throw them into a grade level based on their size. Our son’s looking forward to his new school because he liked the teacher. He said he thinks he will have more fun there and she can help him with his words.

I’m a teacher and when I spend time working with my children, I see progress. I know that he’ll catch up eventually-it’s just a matter of getting him into a school where someone will pay attention to him instead of putting him in the corner with a computer so they don’t have to bother with him.

My biggest piece of advice through all of this is that you absolutely HAVE to advocate for your children. Bottom line is that even though you haven’t had them forever, you know more about them than your doctor, their teachers, or other strangers. If you have a feeling that something should be a certain way and it’s not, then you need to change it. These kids are older and they have less time to “catch up” than infants do.

We started out wanting an infant and young sibling and we switched when we saw our two on our agency’s waiting children list. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t marvel at how our lives have changed (for the better) and how an infant would not have been a good fit for us. Our children have made us earn their love and respect and now that we have life is so wonderful.

FAQs

2009-06-04T20:24:00.000-07:00

In the previous post, I answered a list of questions posted by a commenter. If anyone else would like to answer these questions for readers to get another perspective, just email me your responses and I will post them. (Remember, you can share under an alias if you prefer.)

Also, to other readers, if you have other questions, please ask.

FAQs - Responses from Kerri

2009-06-04T05:40:00.001-07:00

How did you decide what country to adopt from? We have a child from GT and a child from Korea & are open to any country w/a good system in place.

Thing I considered when looking for a country program...(in no particular order except #1, since it automatically excluded many countries for me)

1) Did they allow singles to adopt? Obviously, this isn't an issue for everyone but it was for me.

2) What were the orphanages generally like? I know orphanages vary tremendously from one to another within a country but still, some countries generally have better staffed orphanages than others.

3) What age did older kids generally come into the orphanage? Did they come in as older kids or had they spent their entire lives in the orphanage? (I really wanted a child who knew how to live within the family unit.)

4) Why did older kids generally come into the orphanage? Was it frequently for death or illness of a parent or due to abuse or neglect?

5) Was there a big need for adoptive parents of older kids?

6) Was there the possibility of having birth family contact? (I really want to have contact with the birth family if possible.)

7) What was the overall view of the ethics of the country's adoption system?

My personal experience includes the adoption of an infant from Guatemala who'd been in a good foster family until she came home with me at 8 months of age and a 7 year old from Ethiopia who spent 14 months in various orphanages(4 total, 1 being the agency care center) after her relinquishment before coming home with me.

My personal experience was that the transition with my older daughter was much easier than with my younger daughter.

Ruby, at 8 months, knew her world had been turned upside down but had no real way to understand or process the disruption. When newly arrived, our days were great. She was happy and playful and ate well. Our nights were awful. I paced the halls of my house with her in the ergo carrier and both of us cried together many nights.

Medina, at 7, knew why she was coming to my home. Definitely there were fears and tears and frustrations (mostly due to the language barrier) but she knew why her world had been turned upside down. Even in the early days with me, she talked about Ethiopia and her family. I couldn't understand it but she told me all about them. The stories gradually transitioned to English and now, 11 months later, she is still talking about them. She knows why she went to the orphanage and why she was supposed to come to America. It doesn't mean she doesn't get sad and miss her family but she knows she was loved in Ethiopia and she had a great foundation of family life for coming into our family. I know some kids have a lot of rage and grief but Medina has always worked through her issues with talk and that has been great for her and for me because I can help her remember the stories of her time in Ethiopia.

For whatever program you selected, how much information were you given about your referral? Was it accurate?

I chose Ethiopia for my older child adoption. When I got Medina's referral, I got basic medical info - hiv, syphilis, hep b, measurements and a physical exam. I got a copy of her relinquishment papers which told who had relinquished her and why and gave some info on her family. There are some discrepancies between the paperwork and what Medina has told me. I'm not sure what the real answers are but my agency has been willing to help me find the truth. From what Medina has told me compared to what's on her paperwork, I do not believe she was stolen or sold. I believe she was voluntarily relinquished by a family who very much wanted her to come to America. There are just a few discrepancies in the details.

I realize every child is different, but what are the biggest issues you have faced since bringing your child home?

Initially, the biggest issue was language, although it was never the issue that I anticipated it would be. Medina learned English very fast.

Food has been an issue as Medina is a very picky eater. This is getting better but it has been frustrating.

Our other big issue has been school. This isn't a problem with Medina but with her birth certificate and a principal who was more concerned about test scores than children. Medina was 7 at arrival but only 5 on paper. As such, she was enrolled in kindergarten and the principal, due to her own personal agenda, refused to do anything to help her get to an age-appropriate grade even though those who worked with Medina, her teacher and the librarian, thought she could have easily been caught up. I'm fortunate that I will be able to send Medina to a private school next year where they understand the issues and will work with her. If this wasn't a financial possibility for me, I'm not sure what I would do.

I know there are state Early Intervention services for children 3 and under. What about for older children? Have you had a good experience finding resources to address any developmental delays and/or attachment issues? How has your child's transition to school been handled?

I got a list of therapists experienced in dealing with internationally adopted children from the local IA agency. (That's also where I got the recommendation for our pediatrician when my first daughter came home.) I'm not really sure about resources to deal with delays because that wasn't an issue for us but I would imagine the EI program could recommend programs for children over 3. I talked about the school issue in the previous question.

Education issues

2009-05-19T20:07:00.001-07:00

Shared by Kerri:

http://kerrisjourneytomommyhood.blogspot.com

One of the biggest issues I've had with Medina has been schooling. Because she was 5 on paper when she came home, I had to enroll her in kindergarten. Initially, I was fine with this because I believed that I would be able to adjust her grade as her English improved. Also, initially, I believed she was only 6 so being one grade behind wasn't an issue for me. However, as her true age became more clear, both based on her telling me how old she was and also her development, I became very bothered by the fact that she was 2 grades behind.

Medina picked up English very fast and by December, 2008, (6 months after her arrival) I was told by the teacher and principal that she was reading on grade level. The teacher has been very supportive of trying to catch Medina up a grade. However, the principal at her school absolutely refuses to consider it. "She is on grade level so she is right where she needs to be" were the exact words she used in December. It didn't matter that Medina had only been in an English speaking country for 6 months. My concerns about social issues were totally ignored.

If Medina is allowed the opportunity to try to advance and academically can't do it, I'm fine with that. However, I feel she should be given a chance. As a result, she will be attending a private school next year where the teacher understands the situation and will work with her.

The thing that frustrates me the most about this is that if her birth certificate was correct, none of this would have been an issue because she would have gone right into 2nd grade. It's only an issue because of the wrong age. And now that she's there, even though her age has been corrected, they don't have to do anything. My personal belief is that it all comes down to testing issues and worry that she might do badly if she was placed in an age appropriate grade.

I know I'm not the only one with this issue as I've read about it on other forums. Sadly, I have no real advice on how to handle it. I'd love to hear what others dealing with this have done.

Medina

2009-05-18T20:17:00.000-07:00

Shared by Kerri

http://kerrisjourneytomommyhood.blogspot.com

Medina was 5 years old on paper when I accepted her referral. However, I'd been warned by my agency several times that she was probably older. In fact, Medina was 7 years old when she came home, not 5.

Prior to coming home with me, Medina spent about 14 months in a total of 4 orphanages, one of them being the agency care center. She had been relinquished to the initial orphanage by her grandfather. Prior to her relinquishment, he told her why she was being relinquished. I think that knowledge, while being a load to bear, has also very much helped her transition into my family. She doesn't have to wonder why she's here or think that her family didn't love her or want her.

Medina's transition has been much easier than I ever anticipated. She knew when she was sent to the orphanage that she would go to Spain or the US and was very excited to have a new family. Because of her understanding of the situation surrounding her adoption, she has been able to grieve her family in Ethiopia while embracing life here. We talk often of her family in Ethiopia and I frequently video her telling stories about them to help preserve those memories. We're lucky that her memories are happy ones.

I don't want to give the impression that Medina is the perfect child or has had a totally problem-free transition. Neither is true. However, many of the things I worried about with an older child - rage, aggression, and such - never came. Instead, I have a child who deals with her loss and anger through talking and rationalizing. Just tonight we were talking about how happiness and sadness are so often intertwined and you can't get to the happy without going through the sad. Medina really seems to get it.

Elizabeth Marie

2009-05-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

Responses from Nancy:

http://elizabethmarieb.blogspot.com

In response to DianneG:

It is a shame that Guatemala is closed to adoption as there are a lot of older kids available -- or should I say there were! A lot of older child adoptions were abandonment cases which could take years if they are referred before the abandonment was finalized. We were lucky in that our daughter's was complete at referral. A year after our daughter's adoption I traveled back to Guatemala to escort a baby home (long story) and my daughter asked me to visit her orphanage to bring candy to her friends. I did, and there were quite a few older kids waiting to be adopted and I wish I could have taken every one of them home with me!

In response to NoSurfGirl:

It is good to prepare for issues, but you need to take into consideration the circumstances of the child. I have learned a lot since bringing both my daughters home. My older daughter was in an orphanage from birth and was considered a favorite. She came home at 15 months old perfectly healthy and happy. My pediatrician told me I was lucky. Today she is diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, ADHD, Central Auditory Processing Disorder, Developmental Vision Dysfunction, Dysgraphia, and Sensory Dysfunction. Being in an orphanage from birth she never learned to trust. There have been improvements but it is a constant struggle. My younger daughter was with her biological mother until age 4. Some of those 4 years were not the best, but she at least had a primary caregiver in infancy. She came home at 6 wearing size 3T and with all her teeth capped. But the biggest issue was teaching her that toilet paper went in the bowl and not the trash can and that food would always be available to her. She has memories, good and bad, and I am sure your daughters will too. Letting them know it is okay for them to have those memories and to talk about them will help them to feel more secure. They will probably express sadness about leaving Ethiopia and that is okay too. One day I came home from work and my daughter was crying because she missed the director of the orphanage -- who all the kids called Mom. I acknowledged her sadness and made arrangements for her to talk to the director for a few minutes via a 3-way phone call for translation purposes. It satisfied her and no further crying or phone calls were needed. Memories and early experience are actually a good thing when it comes to attachment!
I am sure older child adoption with a child who has been in the system from birth might be a whole different experience.

FAQs

2009-05-09T20:27:00.001-07:00

If you're considering adopting an older child but not sure...

What questions do you have?

If you've brought home an older child already...

What were the main questions you had when thinking about older child adoption?

Elizabeth Marie

2009-05-09T10:36:00.000-07:00

Shared by Nancy
http://elizabethmarieb.blogspot.com

We have 2 daughters who joined our family through adoption. The first came home from Romania at 15 months old. When we decided to adopt again we decided to adopt an older child. There were several reasons for this decision: this would be our 5th child and we had done the "infant thing" already and we were no longer spring chickens; there was a big age gap between our 3rd biological son and our daughter and she needed someone closer in age to her; everyone wants to adopt infants but there are so many older children who need and deserve a forever family. Romania was closed to adoptions but I contacted the agency I had used for our 1st adoption and asked what the possibilities were for adopting an older child from Guatemala -- a girl close in age to our 1st daughter. Boy was I shocked when within a few hours I received the referral of a little girl who was about to turn 5 years old -- just 2.5 months younger than our daughter! I had just been in the questioning the possibility mode so I had no dossier prepared and no immigration clearance started. It was August 2003. I went into high gear and by January 2004 our file was complete and submitted to PGN. I spent the time preparing by researching older child adoption, attachment, and talking to other families who had adopted older children. I prepared for the worst. In April 2004 our case hit a snag when PGN rejected one of our documents thinking it had been altered. It took a few months to straighten out that mess, during which I continued to research and prepare. In September 2004 I traveled to Guatemala to bring our daughter home, just a little past her 6th birthday.

One of the 1st "issues" we dealt with was our daughter's given name. Fatima Cesibel. Not an awful name, but one that was very unusual for where we live and had the possibility of some not so nice nicknames (I could just hear her being called a Fat Jezibel!) . We were unsure of what to do so decided to use a translator in Guatemala to discuss her name with her and to give her the choice of keeping her given name or changing it to one we had chosen for her. She chose the name we had picked out. Elizabeth Marie. Later as her English became better she told me that she had never liked her Guatemala name as the other kids used to always make fun of her. She refused to keep it even as a middle name.
Elizabeth started Kindergarten within 3 weeks of coming home and I had made arrangements for her to start in ELL (English Language Learner) immediately. She was so excited about school and very eager to learn. She was frustrated though with language getting in the way and her ELL was only 2 days per week for 30 minutes each. I had to do some fighting to do so, but got her ELL increased to daily and her learning took off. At the end of Kindergarten she was still academically behind so she did another year of Transitional 1st before moving onto regular 1st grade. By the end of transitional 1st she was at grade level and no longer qualified for ELL. She was fully conversational in English by the time she was home 4 months. There are still concepts that need to be explained to her almost 5 years later, but it takes up to 7 years for full comprehension.
Issues -- surprisingly, there have been very few! Perhaps the hardest was that Elizabeth was old enough to have memories of her family in Guatemala and they were not all happy memories. There was physical abuse and she was very open about discussing it with us. But, she also indicated she was okay with the memories and happy to be in a better situation now. As time has gone on she talks about it less. Food was a MAJOR issue. Elizabeth would eat until she became sick, eat fast so she could have seconds (and thirds) before anyone else, and take food from kids at school. It took time and we are finally making headway in that area. There have been NO attachment issues.

Perhaps the question I have received the most is how do you deal with missing out on the "firsts" when you adopt an older child. Sure, we missed her 1st smile, her 1st steps, etc. but there are so many other firsts to be experienced for her and the look on her face when she does can't be explained. Adopting an older child is an amazing and rewarding experience. I highly recommend it!!

Selah

2009-05-09T06:22:00.000-07:00

Shared by Gretchen Magruder,

http://momentsofclaritybygretchen.blogspot.com/

For Mother's Day, our 6 year old daughter's Kindergarten class does a couple of cute projects. Last week she brought home a clay necklace - the same one my older 2 daughters made in Kindergarten. When I saw it, I ooo'd and ahhh'd over it and thanked her for giving me this gift. She immediately got indignant and said "For YOU? Not for you...me make!!"

I tried to politely explain the Mother's Day customs and that the teacher intended for her to give that to her mom for Mother's Day, but she just couldn't get past me trying to steal her necklace! Today, I picked her up from school and the teacher handed her the flower the kids potted for their moms.....again, this time in the presence of the teacher, she refuted the idea that it was for me. I would have dropped it, but her teacher tried to explain once again that the gift was for mommy. She was exasperated with me for even considering such a thing and finally thew it at me and said, "fine, you have".

That gave me an opportunity to talk to her about giving with a cheerful heart, and that if she was going to be mad and pouty, then I didn't want the gift at all. Spent some time talking about how God loves a cheerful giver....

Whew!! after about 2 hours of reasoning, something finally clicked and she sincerely handed me the flower.

One of the biggest sources of contention in our house has been our daughter's tendency to count and compare....Sarah has 5 pairs of shoes, and I only have 3 (although in my head I'm thinking," in Ethiopia, you only had 1 so why aren't you more grateful"?). Or, "you asked sarah and sophia how their day was, but you didn't ask me". I'm not sure how deal with something as abstract as empathy or teaching gratitude. Right now our best gut instinct says that we keep the family tight together, and keep reminding the older sisters to set examples of respect, gratitude and graciousness.

Blogs

2009-05-09T06:20:00.001-07:00

Ethiopia

1 Crazy Family

Moments of Clarity

Guatemala

Elizabeth Marie

Books

2009-05-08T19:43:00.000-07:00

(with links to Amazon)

Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections

By Jean macLeod, Sheena Macrae

Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents

By Deborah D. Gray

Beyond Consequences, Logic, & Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children with Severe Behaviors

By Heather T. Forbes

Cross Cultural Adoption: How to Answer Questions from Family, Friends, & Community

By Amy Coughlin, Caryn Abramowitz

In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories

By Rita James Simon, Rhonda m. Roorda

Lifebooks: Creating a treasure for the Adopted Child

By Beth O'Malley

Nurturing Adoptions: Creating Resilience after Neglect and Trauma

By Deborah D. Gray

Raising Adopted Children, Revised Edition: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent

By Lois Ruskai Melina

Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft

By Mary Hopkins-Best

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

By Sherrie Eldridge

Adoption Agencies

2009-05-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

World Association for Children and Parents (WACAP)

Online Resources

2009-05-08T09:06:00.000-07:00

a4everfamily
Adoption Learning Partners
Informed Adoption Advocates

What's this all about

2009-05-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

When I decided to start my second adoption, I already had a toddler at home. Being a single mom, I didn't think there was any way I could handle a toddler and a baby so I started thinking about adopting an older child. There's tons of stuff out there on infant adoption and quite a bit on toddler adoption. Sadly I found very little on older child - school age and up. For me, adopting a school-age child was one of the best things I've ever done. I know there are many others who feel the same way. I hope we can all come together and share our stories - both good and bad - about our adoption experiences so that others will have a better understanding of the reality of adopting older, school age children.